When I'm with you, I'll make every second count because I miss you...
I lose more and more each day. It's another day I don't see them. I haven't seen my dad in almost 10 years, 11/27/03, r.i.p. <3. My mom is too much of an alcoholic, and I have to go check on her.. My brother has weird hours for his job, and has a family of his own. My friends, they're working, I'm working, our schedules don't work together. Myself? I've lost myself a few times, and I'm on the road to ... re-create myself. After all, life is about creating yourself, not finding yourself.
I'm not okay, I don't feel stable. Today, these past few weeks, I feel like I'm breaking, falling apart. At least with school I could get away. Yes, I am working, but I'm not working as much as I would like to be because I don't get scheduled enough! I just wish that I could smile and it not be a fake one. I wish I could look at my family and not feel like they're judging me. I wish I could look in the mirror and not want to shatter it. I wish I could actually tell my psychologist how I'm really feeling.
I feel like I'm wasting everybody's time. I feel like I'm wasting my time.. I felt better yesterday, like, almost happy, y'know? But, today, there was a giant argument between a member of my family and myself, and the worst feeling you can ever feel is that you disappointed them, and get that guilty feeling in your gut because of your choices. When my family is mad at a decision I make, they make sure to bring up every little bad thing of my past and add it, then shove me even further down into the hole I'm trying to get out of.